For Every Thomas Moment

“[Jesus] drew close to Thomas: 'Reach out and touch Me. See the punctures in My hands; reach out your hand, and put it to My side; leave behind your faithlessness, and believe.' Thomas, filled with emotion: 'You are the one True God and Lord of my life!'”—John 20:27-28, The Voice

Imagine just for a moment that, long after the initial post-Resurrection exuberance of the household had died down a bit, Jesus took his fish and beverage and stepped outside where he noticed Thomas—maybe you and me—leaning on a wall with a warm breeze on his face and peering off into the horizon. Too amazed, too joy-filled, and too excited to eat. And as had often been the case for the past three years, Jesus doesn't have to say a word. His nearness, his presence alone is enough for Thomas to really open up to his friend…

“See, that’s the thing. I was afraid—I think all of us were—that we had lost you. Your presence, Jesus. There is nothing on earth better or more important than Your presence. And it just looked like, well, you know, you were going to be like every other good guy, every good prophet who’s come along: They don’t like you, so they kill you, and it’s over.

So sure, we were afraid, and we ran. But for me, not so much because I was afraid for my life, but when your faith is shaken, you begin to wonder if you're about to be abandoned—left alone to try to figure out life, again, by yourself. Scary.

The guys can call me the doubter, or Eeyore, or whatever all they want, but I am just a guy with a lot of questions and yet who loves you and wants to know, really know—I mean, really, really know you. Experience it full on. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, you know?

You gotta admit, you sure can be mysterious at times, talking in parables and such. But I haven't let that discourage me—in fact, even with all my questions, it all drove me to want to spend more time with you, to see how you lived life while talking with your Father. I can’t explain it really, but following you in that way just seemed peaceful, and joyful, and right, like this is why I was born—even if it was crazy at times and didn’t always make sense. I saw how you loved on people, and listened to their stories, and touched their bodies and emotions and healed them. And I so wanted in, just as you called us to be. All in. And I still do.

But when they told us you had died in that most gruesome way, I was grief-stricken and disillusioned to the point of wanting to throw up. Until I remembered: You told us it would be this way. How do I know that? Well, believe it or not, I remembered that kind of snarky thing I said when you told us that we were going up to Judea; something like, “oh great, let’s go die with him.” Wow, you know? You are truly amazing—you even use the foolish things we do and say for our good and for your glory. You used that comment to help me remember that this was all going to happen, and that you'd not just die horribly but rise from the dead, and that yet again You are always true to your Word.

Yeah, I know I wanted extra proof even so—to see it with my own eyes, to touch you for myself—but I just want to thank You for never giving up on me. Thanks for the tough love in there just now about not letting doubts drag me down but to remember to believe even when I cannot always see. Not a blind faith, but one that remembers that you have a 100 percent track record of Love promises made, and to hold onto that instead.

In spite of myself, I want you to know that I'm ready to live out all you showed and taught us...because you're my friend, yes, but mostly, like I said in there, because you are Lord of my life.  You are worth everything that I've got! And I’m reminded just now of one more thing: that your rising from the dead, you being here right now, proves you meant what you said—that you'd never, ever leave or forsake us. Never.  

And that's a doubt-crusher of a promise that I, that all of us, need to grab onto in a big way right now. And tomorrow, and the next day, until you come back again. No doubt about it....

More fish?”

"And holy, there is no one like You
There is none beside You
Open up my eyes in wonder
And show me who You are
And fill me with Your heart
And lead me into love to those around me...
And I will build my life upon Your love
It is a firm foundation
And I will put my trust in You alone
And I will not be shaken
I will build my life upon Your love
It is a firm foundation
And I will put my trust in You alone
And I will not be shaken"

- from "Build My Life," Housefires